Cache, poem by Peggy Ann Tartt

          for my brother and “the boys”

    Sometimes when I think I’m over it,

    When I think my heart and mind have healed,

    When I catch myself laughing extravagantly

    As though without a care in the world,

    I sneak back to that small cave inside me

    Where I’ve hidden the pain of his absence

    Under a rock and I let myself feel it again,

    Closing my eyes to slow the speed of my breath

    As the memories rush at me, ocean waves.

    I see him happy, singing, then ill, the sick bed.

    I feel how heavy the pain still is, how lost I am

    And, like a weary swimmer treading water,

    I fear I will drown in this swell of sorrow

    With its level rising and, secretly, I hope I do.

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Dave Lordan