for my brother and “the boys”
Sometimes when I think I’m over it,
When I think my heart and mind have healed,
When I catch myself laughing extravagantly
As though without a care in the world,
I sneak back to that small cave inside me
Where I’ve hidden the pain of his absence
Under a rock and I let myself feel it again,
Closing my eyes to slow the speed of my breath
As the memories rush at me, ocean waves.
I see him happy, singing, then ill, the sick bed.
I feel how heavy the pain still is, how lost I am
And, like a weary swimmer treading water,
I fear I will drown in this swell of sorrow
With its level rising and, secretly, I hope I do.